Grief Support

Grief Support

After the unexpected death of his wife, Irish author C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The death of a beloved is an amputation."

While dealing with grief is not easy, we believe the resources within this section of our website can help. Should you need additional support in grieving your loss, please call us. We will do everything we can to assist you.

Grieving with Purpose

No one is prepared for grief. The rush of feelings, the thoughts, anxieties, and heartache can take us by surprise and drive us to our knees. Yet, when we choose to harness that power for self-growth, amazing things can happen. Good can come from pain.

Sigmund Freud first brought up the concept of grief work in 1917, and today the idea that bereavement is purpose-driven continues. Dr. James Worden chose to see the work of bereavement as task-oriented:
  1. To accept the reality of the loss
  2. To process the pain of grief
  3. To adjust to a world without the deceased
  4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life
Your current job is to focus your attention on achieving each of those goals. It will not occur in any logical order; each of us is different and the path we walk in the bereavement journey is not a straight one.

Dealing with grief is hard work. It takes both courage and hard work to successfully adapt to the loss of a significant person in your life.

6 Signposts Along Your Journey

Dr. Stephen Joseph identifies what he calls six signposts to facilitate post traumatic growth. He reminds readers too that "post traumatic growth does not imply the absence of emotional distress and difficulties in living. It does imply that it is possible through the struggle to come out on the other side, stronger and more philosophical about life."

Before identifying these six signposts, Dr. Joseph reminds his readers of three very important things:
  1. You are not on your own
  2. Trauma is a normal and natural process
  3. Growth is a journey
He also provides a fundamental rule: don't do anything you might not be able to handle now. "If you experience intense emotions, become physically upset, or begin to panic... stop." He gently reminds readers that "having a sense of personal control over your recovery is important. There might be some things you do not feel ready to handle now, but in time, as you discover new strength and develop new coping skills, this will likely change."

"By focusing on these six signposts," writes Dr. Joseph, "you will find that your post-traumatic growth is beginning to take root."

Signpost #1: Taking Stock

Are you physically well? Are you getting enough sleep and eating the right foods for optimum health? Have you received the kind of medical, legal, or psychological help you need? What is your current condition: physically, spiritually, and emotionally?

Signpost #2: Harvesting Hope

People traumatized by loss often feel hopeless. It's hard to get up in the morning and thinking about the future sparks pessimism and negativity. Find inspiration in the stories of personal growth written by others; set goals and practice hope as you set out to achieve them.

Signpost #3: Re-Authoring

Learn to tell your story differently. Take the victim mentality out of the story of loss you tell yourself and others and replace it with the word survivor to return to a sense of control over your life.

Signpost #4: Identifying Change

Keeping a daily diary can help you to see the small changes within more easily. You can also track those moments when you feel at your best and identify the conditions that brought them about. Identify and nurture the positive changes in your life throughout your bereavement journey.

Signpost #5: Valuing Change

Review these changes, identifying the ones that you'd like to continue to nurture. Personal transformation requires it. Growth is encouraged when we take time to think about what we have gained from loved ones and when we find a way to use what we have learned to give to others.

Signpost #6: Expressing Change in Action

Express your growth in new behaviors or, more simply, put your growth into action. When you think in terms of concrete actions, it helps make the growth experienced within your bereavement real to you.

The 5 stages of grief

Everyone is unique, and we each grieve and mourn a loss in our own special ways. While some might put on a brave face, others are completely overwhelmed. Universally though, there are five stages of grief that everyone experiences. When someone close to us passes away, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions depending on your relationship to the deceased and the circumstances surrounding their death. In any case, it’s important to understand that experiencing grief is a healthy part of the healing process. 

If you have recently lost someone, please accept our sincerest condolences and know that we are here for you. 

The 5 stages of grief can apply to a variety of circumstances including the loss of a close relationship, the death of a valued being (person or animal) or in response to a terminal illness diagnosis. The five stages of grief include: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. They were first proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book Death and Dying. 

Each individual is different and may not necessarily experience the 5 stages in the order listed below. To go through the grieving process, you do not need to follow these step by step. Rather, you must use them as a guide to help you move forward. It is important to recognize that you will likely feel these different emotions and try your best to manage them. An important piece to remember regardless of what stage you are in is; As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

01 Denial

When you receive unpleasant news, it’s natural to dismiss it as false. During the first stage of grief, denial occurs as we try to deal with the initial shock of bad news. It’s common to feel numb. This is a temporary response we use to try and block out the initial pain from the news we have just received. When learning the unpleasant news, people tend to become overwhelmed with emotions and try to deny the facts. 


Eventually, the denial will begin to fade as you begin to become stronger and heal. It might occur unknowingly as you slowly start to accept the reality of the loss and begin to ask yourself questions and move forward.

02 Anger

The second stage of grief that people generally experience is anger. While denial helps with the initial shock of receiving unpleasant news, eventually it no longer masks the pain. When denial stops working, the natural response is to turn to anger. The anger response is a result of the vulnerable feeling we go through and is redirected outwards.


Anger is typically directed at others even though we know they are not responsible for the situation. In many cases, the anger is a result of believing the person who has passed away is the one responsible for causing the pain. In reality, we understand how irrational it is to think like that which can then create feelings of guilt.

03 Bargaining

Eventually, we reach the point of bargaining as a way to try and improve the situation. Bargaining is done in an attempt to try and regain control of the situation. As is often the case, we can be left feeling vulnerable or helpless after a loved one’s passing. The bargaining stage is where we try to stop those feelings. 


Secretly people may try to make a deal with God or a higher power in order to postpone the inevitable. Common phrases people have during this stage include: 


If only we had sought medical attention earlier… 


We should have consulted with another doctor for a second opinion… 


I shouldn’t have let them drive in that weather…

04 Depression

The depression stage usually begins around the time leading up to the funeral service. Typically, it occurs in two distinct parts. The first stage is a reaction to the practical implications of the loss. This can include worrying about paying for the funeral service or wondering if you have planned a meaningful enough service. It is also quite common to feel like you haven’t spent enough time comforting others that depend on us.


The second stage of depression is often more personal and more private. It occurs in the hours leading up to a loved one’s funeral service. As we prepare ourselves to say goodbye, it's normal to experience many different emotions and feel uneasy. Sometimes, all you need is a hug and someone to lean on.

05 Acceptance

The fifth and final stage of grief is acceptance. For some people dealing with a loss, this stage may never be reached. If a loved one’s death was unexpected or sudden, it can be hard for some to ever move past the anger or denial stages. When we finally reach the acceptance stage, it means we have made peace with the situation.


A common misconception is that if you reach acceptance you find happiness. In actuality, the acceptance stage is a phase marked by withdrawal and calm. No matter what situation or stage you are in, it’s important to know that there are people dedicated to helping you grieve. Our caring and compassionate staff can help you through the grieving process with advice and resources.

Ending Denial and Finding Acceptance

Acceptance is the very first task in your bereavement. Dr. James Worden writes that we must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return."

This is where a funeral can be very important. Traditionally, the casketed body of the deceased is at the front of the room and guests are invited to step up to personally say their goodbyes. Part of stepping up means seeing with our own eyes that death has actually occurred and that actualizing is an essential part of coming to accept the death. Yet, the tradition of viewing has eroded over time with many families today choosing cremation and opting to hold a memorial service after the cremation has taken place. The focal point of the ceremony becomes the cremation urn, holding the cremated remains or ashes out-of-sight and making the reality of the death less evident and the road to acceptance less clearly marked.

Acceptance May Seem Out of Reach

For many, acceptance means agreeing to reality. Most of us, when we lose someone dear to us, simply don't want to agree to it; we actually have an aversion to agreeing and accepting. So, let's use a different word—try "adjustment", or "integration". Both words focus on the purposeful release of disbelief. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to create a new life; a proactive life where a loved one's memory is held dear, perhaps as a motivating force for change.

It does take time. In "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", the American Cancer Society cautions readers that "acceptance does not happen overnight. It’s common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased, and use it in other relationships."

Whatever you call it, this essential part of mourning is what allows us to live fully again. It allows us to step out of the darkness of mere existence and back into the sunshine where life is sweet again. Of course, it's a very different life than the one you had before your loved one died.
Sources:
  1. Freud, Sigmund. On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement Papers on Metaphyschology and Other Works.
  2. Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.
  3. Fleming, Stephen. The Changing Face of Grief: From 'Going On to 'On-Going''
  4. Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn't Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth
  5. American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012
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